Zombies on Venice Beach?

They said he came lurching down Market St. - nearly a dead run - (pun intended) right up Ocean Front Walk passed Big Daddy's Pizza and Funnel Cake Shop. And instead of getting the fried Oreos or a burger, he started munching on the tourists. Jesus, people! Do you not know a local from the undead anymore? Has my beloved Venice Beach been so overloaded with newbies that I must debunk the undebunkable?

Funky Donny Fassbinder (no, that is not his real name) has a bad habit of bringing his raw meat up from Muscle Beach (I think they sell it with a side of Monster Mass Protein Powder in a back alley for the goombas) and gnawing on it without benefit of napkin, knife and fork, or a cooking method of any kind. Funky Donny is NOT a zombie. He is not an alien. He's just weird. (Plus I'm pretty sure it's Wagyu.)

Now, to all you newbies - listen up. When you go down to the beach next time, mingle, get to know the freaks and they won't freak you out so much.

Bad Water Junction: An apology - sort of.

Here on BBS, you know I make it a point to be as honest and as forthcoming with my readers as possible. As possible. Yes! It's a caveat! Occasionally I come into information that has the dubious honor of being a) true b) spewed out from a legit and occasionally disgruntled source and c) secret for a very good reason.

You guys may think I play it fast and loose with the law and the government and conspiracy theories, but (look away if you can't stand the reveal) I am a law-abiding citizen, and I have respect for subterfuge when it's necessary to our national security.

... This is not one of those times.

Bad Water Junction made no excuses about what it was meant to be - a roller coaster ride with aliens and hot chicks and sex and blood and yes, some special FX thrown in there. People, it was not supposed to be Sophie's Choice. Or Lawrence of Arabia. Or even Titanic. (I couldn't WAIT for that fucking ship to sink.) It wasn't even The Blair Witch Project.

So, look, I apologize for talking it up in such a way as to make you boneheads believe it was based on real events. Though I happened to mention that yes, Bad Water Basin is a real place, and yes, a smattering of unidentifiable body parts were found there that were not classified as human, and yes, a girl did go missing - and yes, she was hot - I never said the movie was a true story. I never said that the producers were threatened with cease and desist orders if they didn't edit out certain scenes - and you know which one's I'm talking about. I may have alluded to certain C & D orders, but really, everyone gets a C & D every now and again. Don't they? Anyway, believe what you want, kids. It was a good movie. Especially that part where they show the videotape in the police station of the aliens bursting up through the salty crust of the earth. Looked real, didn't it? You know how you can tell it's not real?

You can't.

Death in Death Valley

OK, so there's this company, right? Biomedical research, gene splicing, transgenomics - xenotransplantation. You heard me. They flew pretty stealthy under the radar for about 15 years until recently. And what puts a big creepy cutting edge bioengineering facility on the map? You guessed it: someone died. Actually two people. And they didn't just keel over in their Frosted Flakes or in a pile of their own DNA one morning. They weren't contaminated by some highly contagious vector. Apparently, dead guy number one scrambled dead guy number two's brain with a geometry compass and then took a flying swan dive off the roof of the building.

So, what do they do? Naturally, in order to stop the rumor mill dead, they fire every soul (rumor has it) and the military makes its inevitable appearance (also, courtesy of the unstoppable rumor mill.) After that, any news was no news and it's like they dropped off the map. (Not too hard to do in Death Valley.) Also, completely unsubstantiated reports have come in that they're engineering pod people to take over the planet. (Didn't I see that on The X-Files?)

I just want to tell these guys, "whatever, dude, nobody believes you have nothing to hide." And they'd invite me in. And take me down to the basement. And start experimenting on my nuts and cutting out pieces of my brain for canopés.

Yep, nothing going on here.